Clearness

Hello, world. Hello, early 20s.

I've spent the last year or so feeling a bit like a sailboat on a still day --not sure where I'm going or how to get there, just rocking back and forth and watching the occasional seagull fly by. If I know anything about myself, I'll probably be back to low-level anxiety within a week or a month or by the end of the summer, but for now, I'm pleased to say that I feel a bit more sure about the right now, and a little bit more sure about which general direction I'm heading (north northwest, if you must know), if not how to get there or what it will look like along the way.

Here's what I've been thinking about as I walk my dog in the mornings: When I got Raleigh, he pulled constantly on the leash. The world was just! so! exciting! that he preferred to pretend I wasn't there, on the other of the leash, with my own agenda and pace. In fact, when I insisted he pay attention to me he would literally lean to the side so he could look around my legs rather than look up at me and receive a treat.

Okay, I'm not going to pretend I didn't lose patience with him -- a LOT -- just like I won't pretend that I haven't spent large portions of the past year in low-level anxiety, but here's what I said to myself a month or so in to living with Raleigh: we have our whole lives to get it right. He doesn't have to be great on the leash right now. It would be nice if he was, it would make walking him much more enjoyable and relaxing, but it's probably not going to happen right now, and that's okay. We have a good 10-15 years ahead of us in which to get it right.

At the time I watched him choking himself in his excitement to get to the squirrel! squirrel! right there! and thought, "I would love to be able to walk my dog with just a leash and collar" (rather than choke chain, martingale, Gentle Leader, etc). And in the mean time I tried every strategy I could to get him to mellow out and recognize my presence on a walk. Hi! You know that person who feeds you and rubs your belly and throws the ball for you in the back yard? I'm here, on the other end of the leash! HELLO I'M RIGHT HERE.

And now, we walk twice a day with just a leash and collar. Sometimes we can even walk with other people! or another dog! with just a leash and collar. How wild is that? So cool.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is: it's good to have goals, and it's good to work hard to get to them. But it's also okay to say, "I have my whole life to get it right."